MARITAL RAPE

Marital rape, or rape of an intimate partner, is not uncommon in relationships; in fact, at least 7.7% of women will be sexually assaulted by an intimate partner—including a husband—in their lifetimes (National Survey of Violence Against Women, 2006).

Sexual contact gained through force, coercion, drugs or alcohol, manipulation or fear of harm is rape, a tool to control and overpower another person. This type of control is often found with other violent and abusive behaviors. In relationships with domestic violence, for example, it is estimated that rape occurs in as many as 70% of these relationships.

Sexual assault is one of the most underreported of all crimes. Victims do not report for a number of reasons, which can include, but are not limited to:
 

·       Shame

·       Fear of retaliation

·       Fear of being blamed

·       Uncertain whether a crime has been committed

·       Fear of not being believed

·       Love for partner

·       Thoughts about "obligation" or "duty"

·       Commitment to the relationship

·       Religious beliefs

·       Shared children

·       Financial dependence on the perpetrator

·       Insecure immigration status (abusive partners will often threaten deportation and hold Immigration Visas)

·       Low English proficiency

·       Feelings of betrayal

·       Guilt

·       Anger

·       Fear

·       Humiliation

·       Denial

·       Inability to trust

·       Flashbacks

·       Fear of intimacy

·       Nightmares

·       Acute fear of being assaulted again

·       Sexual dysfunction

Healing begins with having a safe place or person to talk with about the sexual assault. Since victims may not recognize the assault as "rape" and may be confused by their feelings, it is important to open a line of communication. If you have a friend who you are afraid is being raped by her husband or partner, some questions to ask that might open this line of communication, without making her feel threatened or forcing her to identify the incident as a "rape" are:

·       Has your partner ever made you have sex when you didn’t want to?

·       Have you ever been uncomfortable with a sexual request from your partner, but did it anyway?

·       Have you ever had sex with your partner because you were afraid to say "no"?

Opening up this line of communication with your friend may be very painful and she may have a number of reactions that are scary and confusing to you. You may feel lost about how to help her.  That’s okay. The best thing you can do is listen and support, and communicate some very simple messages.

The most important messages to communicate to her are…

•  I believe you

•  It was not your fault

• To survive is to succeed

• You are not alone

• I am here to help you

• No one deserves to be assaulted

• Your reaction and your feelings are normal

Remember, when helping your friend, you cannot…

• “Fix” the situation

• Change what happened

• Remove the pain

• Protect her from others

• Make judgments

• Know all the answers

You can, however, let her know about community resources.  To discuss options, you or your friend can call the STAR crisis and information line:

(907) 276-7273

Toll-free: 1-800-478-8999

TTY: (907) 278-9988